Okay, disclaimer. This post is 100% my personal ramblings you might not understand or will quickly get bored with or sick of. So unless you’re ready for a hardcore monologue, feel free to scroll past. No hard feelings. :)
I am not the type of person that thinks highly of myself. I was raised in poverty, I never had a full plate of food, I slept on the ground, I walked miles to school when I was in elementary, I learned to live with what I had. A huge part of this was understanding life is not a box of chocolates. You live with what you have. You don’t get greedy.
But what happened? I grew up. I got greedy. I began to complain. I began to look at myself as a glorified person in my mind but I could never face the real issues I had. So I was extremely mentally unstable, I didn’t know how to correctly interact with the people around me.
Eating disorders. Bipolar disorders. Anxiety disorders. Manic depression. Suicidal tendencies.
I quickly became a terrible little thing. I didn’t know how to deal. My parents weren’t the type of people you could ever trust and so I learned to lean on other people. And I forgot how to depend on myself. So I began to smother people. I needed to be loved I needed to be validated I needed needed
Things went wrong. Everything spiraled out of control. I was so young and yet I was so messed up in the mind. All my friendships crumbled around me. I was for the most part the destructive force.
So what happened? I realized I was the poison in my own life. So I changed. It was a process. A long, long, difficult process. I became extremely independent, I took care of myself again. I learned to cope and partially overcome many of my disorders.
I believed in life again. I no longer dreamed of hanging myself or jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge. Time went by and new friends came.
But these new friends…
Well, they weren’t friends at all. They made me feel like shit. Just absolute shit. And even worse? They were religious. I hate those kinds of judgmental religious people. You can’t even make a good punchline out of that type of person.
Time continued. For YEARS. Suddenly„,I relapsed.
Suicidal tendencies. Manic depression. Chronic fatigue. Anorexia nervosa. Bipolar sides of me raging out of control.
I realized these were the people effecting me the most but, after all, they were my friends, right? So I kept talking, hanging out, texting.
I put myself back together. I’ve come way to far to just let myself go like that. I’ve realized that I do have the capability and power to be the person I want to be.
Now in these last few weeks I’ve contemplated a lot about what I want in this world. I don’t need money, cars, houses. I was raised to believe the material doesn’t matter. What I really wanted was freedom.
There was this heavy weight on my shoulders. Everywhere was a dark cloud. How could I escape? Nothing I did made a difference.
Then I started to think about how I valued myself as a human being. All these days and times of frustration I had reached out to other people going through the same mental disorders and struggles as me, being as hopeful and uplifting as I could.
I never thought I deserved much. I mean, come on, I was such a terrible person once upon a time.
But tonight…tonight happened. Something in my head sparked, some magical something that must have been there all along, must have just been hidden under all the layers of my muddled mind.
I realized my value. I DO deserve the best. I DO deserve someone who loves me, friends who care, happiness, freedom. I DO DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. I spent my whole entire life telling myself what I couldn’t have, but I realized I cannot, WILL NOT live that way anymore.
They say we are our harshest critics. I believe that so much. And now I believe more than ever that I have become that person I wanted to be all along. Yes, I back slided. Yes, I went back on my old ways. But the point is, I recognized that, I knew I couldn’t live like that, and I fixed it. Because I knew I deserved to be the person I wanted to be.
And now I know I deserve SO MUCH MORE than I have ever told myself. I deserve more than people give me. I deserve more than the shitty friends and the shallow relationships of yesteryear. I deserve happiness and joy and freedom.
So I made a decision. I decided to cut out all the negative people in my life. Mainly my group of friends. I went through my phone tonight and deleted about 20 numbers. Instantly the weight was lifted off my shoulders. Instantly I felt more free than I had in a very long time.
Sure, there will be 20 people pissed at me that I dropped them without notice. But they’ll get over it. I sure have. If they couldn’t take the time to really care about me while I was around, I imagine it won’t even effect them when they realize I’m gone.
And sure, I do have 20 or so less friends. But MY GOD it feels AMAZING knowing I have a few real friends that would do anything for me at the end of the day. I feel free.
So to anyone in the past, present, or the future who tells me I do not deserve what I want,
I DO DESERVE WHAT I WANT
I DESERVE EXACTLY WHAT I WANT
and I deserve BETTER than what I get
Because I know my worth, I know how genuinely I care about people, I know that I would go to the ends of the earth for most people who wouldn’t even give me the time of day. I have always put aside my problems for the sake of others, I never give up on people, I love passionately, I fall fatally, I take risks, I hope, I dream.
I am in no way perfect. I guarantee you I have 3 times as many faults as you. But I also understand now that these faults of ours shape us and mold us into better people than we thought we could be.
I am done putting myself last. I am done looking in the mirror and telling myself how awful I am. I am done letting people walk all over me. I am done with putting up with shitty friends for the sake of a few good times and the risk of a lonely heart. I am done letting people tell me what they want me to be, I am done letting them try to change me.
I am no longer the damaged and broken soul I once was. I still have the scars, the battle wounds. But they have healed. If you ask me now how I’m doing, I’ll tell you I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.
And it’s true.
I’m tired of all these fake fucking freeloaders
I call my friends.
You stir up drama just for the sake of not being bored
And you smile at me then talk shit when I turn to leave.
You know they say tattooed people don’t care if you don’t have any.
So just because I’m not very religious why do you think you get to judge me?
You scream GOD GOD GOD
Well I find more compassion at an AA meeting
GOD GOD GOD
Well I find more love at the bottom of the bottle.
I’d be fucking insane if I could relate with you all.
I’d be fucking cruel to intentionally treat people the way you do.
You know they say a picture is worth a thousand words,
So take a picture of me leaving for good,
Swish that around in your brain.
Maybe you’ll realize for once, you’re the ones to blame.
Not this time.
Because I was there for you.
All of you. Always.
Where the fuck were all of you?